H!TITDS - Time Walker (1982)
I don't think the fungus killed him. All right, what did.
Parker did it. Impossible.
Why? Looks like every bone in that boy's body's broken.
There's not a mark on him. We figure he hit that wall with
incredible force. Well, Jack, Parker's pretty strong.
Nobody's that strong.
Everything is ready, my darling.
Do not be afraid. So we'll be together.
This sandwich tastes as dry as hell.
Hello, and welcome to hello, this is the Doom show. I am Richard.
Folks, I am very stoked to be here.
Not because of me, because for me, I'm always here.
I am Talking to Dave,
aka Mr. Parka from the YouTube Entertainment
System. Hello. Thank you. YouTube Entertainment System came out
right after the Nintendo DS. Actually,
yeah, a less playable format. I've been playing
this game all wrong. I was pressing buttons and nobody's doing anything I want them
to do. I can't control the viewership.
So, folks, Dave and I talked about movies we should talk about.
And since he's been On a frickin 1982 tear,
he's tearing. 1982, a new one. We picked Time Walker.
Or as I like to call it, Timmy Walker from 1982.
Or time parka time Mr.
Parker. I don't know. There is a.
There is an alternate name. Like being from an unknown world.
Yes, I think it is that. I think it's called that. The. Yeah.
Being from another planet. There we go. Is what I got here. And it.
There was a. Mystery Science Theater 3000 Episode 405
for all of you enthusiasts out there, I don't know how.
If I. If I saw that one, I definitely didn't remember
it because when I saw this for the first time, I was definitely
unique. No buried memories,
no repressed memories. This is actually the first time
I've watched this movie. Oh, man. I know. It was one of those weird
ones where it just. It wasn't on my radar. I was. I was saving it
and then. Then you sent me the gif. I sent you the
Patrick gif. He's just like. And I was like, oh,
did I break you? I might be having some serious burnout in 1982.
I watched. What was the movie I watched yesterday? The Caligula,
the Untold Story. The Joe. Joe D'Amato one.
And there was two versions of it. And at first there was a two hour
and one minute version in Italian. And I was like, I'm gonna do the long
version. I started watching. I was like, I can't get through a Joe D'Amato
as much as I Love. A period piece of rape and torture for two
hours and one minute in Italian. I was like, flip it over to the 95
minute version. And I got through that. I bustled through that one.
Yep. Yeah, I, I love Joe.
I love him. But I have never been brave.
After I saw the, the, the big Caligula movie
from the 80s or from the 70s, I was good to go. It's good
to go. That's a great exploitation masterpiece. Like actors
getting suckered into being trash. And it's awesome. It's a great John Steiner
and his bald head looking crazy. Very memorable jaw dropping
movie. Absolutely jaw dropping. Just one moment after another
too. But. So the
next thing that we do on this beautiful show is play the trailer or
a TV spot. And here it is, the trailer and
or TV spot for Tim Walker, Texas Ranger.
Space and time,
two dimensions we dream of conquering. But perhaps
they have already been conquered. Not by man,
but a form of intelligence far more evolved
and far more powerful. A timewalker.
The discovery. They simply sealed him alive in a corner of Tut's
tomb. The awakening.
This was in the coffin.
The search.
It looks like some kind of wiring schematic.
The power. Nobody's that strong.
Crystals could be used as transmitters. The cells are multiplying
at a rate so fast I can hardly measure it.
The confrontation is definitely no longer dormant.
Time Walker.
Now our time belongs to him.
The story of a journey home. Time Walker.
Nothing can stop him. Not even time.
I perused the Internet. I'm shuffling papers around like
I'm an official. Look at
this guy. I used a fonts.
So I used the Internet to locate the charter VHS
tape cover. I did not buy said tape. I don't
have that many tapes. But the tagline
on the front is nothing can stop him. Not even time.
You know, that doesn't really fit. It doesn't really
make it. This isn't really a time travel movie. It acts
like it is, but if I fall as. I'm sorry, this is. I'm gonna go
off on a time. If I fall asleep and somehow like wake up 200 years
later. I didn't time travel. You're taking a nap?
Yeah, he's hibernated on the
back side. If you want to get naughty on this tape, it says
for eons he traveled the galaxies. Now he is free.
Usually I get scared about two paragraphs
of a plot, but I'm going to read the plot from the back of the
VHS tape. Deep within the tomb of the ancient Egyptian
king Tutankhamun, a violent Earthquake shatters
a wall, revealing the coffin of Ankh Vanharas,
or noble traveler Ben Murphy's. That's in all caps.
Professor Douglas Macaddon ships the unopened coffin
to the California Institute of Sciences where X rays reveal
five diamond like crystals hidden within the coffin.
Technician Peter Sharp Kevin Brophy steals
the crystals and Reprieve repeats the massive X ray
dose to cover his theft. But he fails to notice
that the powerful X ray has revived an ancient green fungus.
When the coffin is opened at a university press conference, the reporters
uncover more than they bargained for. The mummy of
Ankh Vanhaares has disappeared. And soon after, several strange
murders occur. The Time Walker is alive again. And he is
not from this planet. From this planet. From this planet.
Spoil everything. They spoiled everything. Also, spoiler alert.
Too late for you guys at home. Like, I was
like watching other people talk about this thing and they were like, yeah, there's a
twist. Like there's a twist. It's like, not according to this box. It tells you
fucking everything. Even the poster is like, that's not a human.
It's just. What is that classic Twilight Zone where
the guy, like they're wait, like they have that big argument like something on the
street and they're arguing and they said, sometimes I seen him standing outside staring at
the moon or the stars, waiting for somebody to come get him. That's what this
mommy's doing on the case. He's just like, I want to go home.
Or it could be like a middle aged alcoholic man who got
too drunk on Halloween and got locked out from his mom, his wife, and she's
just standing out there like. Or his mom. It depends. He could be living at
home. He could be living a single's life in his mouth basement. He's watching
the pink elephants fly by. Full, full on.
Alcohol induced, alcohol induced dementia.
Poor guy. What's it that. What he calls him in Royal Dano
calls him a ghoulies too. I got the heejis or heebies or whatever
he calls it. Oh my God,
I love ghoulies too. So,
unemployment check. Yes. Royal Dano. Hungry.
He looked hungry all the time. My favorite.
So this is directed by Tom Kennedy. This is his only directing
credit. You know, big shocker there. And in all caps
I wrote, he edited Silent Night, Bloody Night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, if you can
turn that into the miracle that it is, you're a talented pal. Kind of
a sleepy movie, isn't it? Yeah, I wouldn't watch it when you're. Tired no,
it's kind of like I can't sleep. Or like you're 12 years old and you
get up early for Christmas and you're like, gotta wait for your parents to get
up. Not silent. I bloody night. Go right back in. Go back to
sleep. I remember crying when I was a kid because one time when
I was a kid, I couldn't fall asleep. I was too excited about Christmas.
And I've been eating sugar all day and I just laying in bed crying that
Santa was going to skip our house because I couldn't sleep. It was the first
of many sleepless nights. I used to wake up at 3 o'clock
in the morning and then just watch, like, Simpsons episodes I had recorded
off the television. Like, until, like, I wake up and then wake Everybody up at
6:00 and they're just like, I hate you. I can't stand you anymore.
I hate it. Here I was awake watching the late, late show, like Prom
Night when I was like 7 or 8, and like, tourist trap around
that age, because I was worried about getting picked on at school.
So I was writing these jokes to, like, have cool comebacks
to the bullies. And. And then I would just wouldn't be
able to sleep. So I just turn on my little TV and watch slashers like
Girls Night Out. Speaking of 1982. Yes, yes, yes.
Maybe this reminds me of the Costanza joke. That's what
I should have said. I would
like to know the exact number of hours that I've lost while planning
badass comebacks in conversations that never occurred.
Anyway, I just, like, argue with myself. I just look like a maniac.
And you're like, who are you actually hypothetically arguing with? You're like,
me. I can't stand him. I'm my own worst enemy.
This. This had three writers,
which is sort of, you know, makes sense. The first one is Jason
Williams, who's an actor, producer and writer. That's called a
quadruple threat. He wrote something called Vampire at
Midnight, which I now have to see. Put that on dvd,
didn't it? I have no idea, but I want to find out.
And then he did something called Danger Zone with.
Oh, my gosh. Who was in Danger Zone? Was there
three of those? There's three of them, yeah. They made three Danger Zones.
I've never. The COVID I think I had one on VHS or something.
Like a crappy. Like when they were like, for a dollar, you're like, yes,
I'll ruin my life a little bit with this. Oh, he was in Danger Zone.
This Writer wrote himself a movie, and then on the poster, he makes
himself look like somebody else. That's amazing. We got some Aftermath
stuff going on here. 1982 aftermath for, like, the director stars,
like, make those Pexola cubes.
Well, bless him for trying. Only one can ride out
of the Danger Zone. The other
will burn in hell.
Jason Williams is Wade olson. Danger Zone
3, Steel Horse War. He also wrote something
called Nude bowling party from 1995,
which just wanted to mention his writing buddies
Tom Friedman and Karen Levitt. Didn't do a lot, but they helped him out with
Danger Zone. Interesting. Yeah.
Just a few members of the cast. I don't want to get too bogged down
in this, because this has a lot of characters, but we'll do our best
here. First up is Ben Murphy. Wonderful.
Ben Murphy. He plays Professor Douglas McCadden,
which I wrote down multiple versions of what I thought people were saying.
McFadden, McHadden, anything but McCadden.
That's not a real name. I don't know why I couldn't hear it.
I couldn't hear it. I'm not sure it's real. I've heard McFadden. I've never heard
McCannen. Maybe the McFadden family threatened to sue,
so I need to dub it real quick. Get Tom Kennedy on the phone.
I have a couple words with them. Hey, are you
busy? Hey, man. We're talking about Time Walker music.
Oh, thank God. Tim Walker.
I love that guy. But, yeah, you know this guy, Ben Murphy.
All over tv. Lots of TV movies. I don't know what his big
role would have been. I always go to Murder, She Wrote.
He was absolutely. On an episode of Murder, She Wrote. He looks
like somebody who would have, like, 170 credits, but not quite.
And yes, he's a naughty professor because, of course, he's having
an affair with a student, which everybody knows about. I think. This is Nina
Axelrod. I love that name. Amazing.
She's tough because she's an Axelrod. Motel Hell.
She's the main actress in that one. Motel Serious. I think she is.
She's the one that, yeah, falls in love with Rory Calhoun. She just likes older
guys. Must be a thing.
God bless her. Yeah. You know what's so funny?
I haven't seen freaking Motel
Hell in a really long time. I. I am a fan of that film.
It's a good one. I. I think that I actually prefer Rory
Calhoun. Like, I would date Rory Calhoun before I date this
professor. You have taste. You have good days.
Next up, we've got Kevin Brophy, which he
has bro in his name. And he plays a bro in this movie, which is
amazing. He plays Peter Sharp and I put in parentheses dull.
Because he's a dumbass. Oh,
no. He just passed away this year. That's so sad. And a saint.
Did I mention he was a saint as well in real life?
Really? No, I just made that up because you said he was dead. Oh,
well, he was. He was a perfect person. He was. He was in
freaking Hell Night. I love him. Doesn't he play the guy who runs the
fraternity? Is that him? Yeah. He was typecast. Yeah. He's a.
In every movie he's ever. He's such an asshole. Wow. But he.
You know what? He was playing against his real personality for sure.
He's got the best. Best. One of the best setups in 1981. Because that
all 19 to 1 is all horror setups, right? Yeah. The big speeches around
the campfire and he has the big story where he's. And then the whole family
was murdered, but they never found the bodies. That's a nice little exposition dump
in Hell Night. Hell Night's fun one. It's a great movie. I love it.
Next up, we've got a random actor named Robert Random.
And he plays Jack Parker. The infamous Jack Parker,
who's just accused of everything on this frickin.
Everything going wrong on this planet. He's no stranger to the danger
zone since he was in. He played Reaper, aka Grim
Reaper in Danger Zone 2 and 3. I love how I've never
heard of these movies movies until looking stuff up. I. I think
I have one of the vhs. I want to go find the closet. I have
one of them. I don't know what it is, but that guy. It's so funny
because they're like, parker did it. No, nobody could be this strong. He's like.
Parker's strong. It's like. Yeah, we're trying to blame my namesake here.
He could crush every bone in my body. Right? You could do it. He looks
really weird too. Like he doesn't look like he'd have the position he has.
He looks more like. Like head of maintenance. That shouldn't like.
But he's like some professor, isn't he? I'm like, I don't know. He looks like
another actor. I can't think of. Who is the guy
from Wheels on Meals. Did you ever see that one? Is that the Hong
Kong one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is that actor Place.
Oh, dude, do yourself a favor. You will love it. It is. I love
Hong's my favorite. I love him. Benny Ortides. I believe
you say that he reminds me of him a little bit. He's a martial artist.
He did all the stunt choreograph for all those movies. He's in everything.
He's so good. Apparently he's a real treat in real life.
Seems like a nice guy. Also, he was in Vampire
Midnight. This. This. This random actor so we could find all
these people and I love it. I'm catching some coincidences here.
I don't know, it's kind of strange. Could be, could be. These are all
incestuous casts here. James Karen is
Dr. Wendell J. Rossmore.
And oh my God, this guy. What a
treasure. What an absolute treasure. A God
among men. Yeah. Return Living Dead. Freaking Poltergeist.
I totally forgot he was in Mulholland Drive. Oh,
he's great in that part. 212 credits.
He's great. I mean, is he one of those people that had stuff come out
after he died? I'm sure that. No, no, he didn't.
Oh, he didn't work hard enough. I know he's in
this year. He's also in Poltergeist, one of his most memorable roles and one of
his best roles. He's kind a similar character. Yeah.
What a legend. He is the head of the university and
the big heavy. Total perfect casting. He's so
good at that. Next up, we've got Austin Stoker,
aka Mustache. He plays Dr.
Ken Melrose. He is our voice of reason.
And at some point in this episode, I would love to drop his entire
speech where he talks about. Here's why I'm so concerned.
The structure is just crazy.
The nucleus is unstable, the chromosomal pattern
is mystifying, and the cells are multiplying at a
rate so fast I can hardly measure it.
His big call of fame would be assault on Precinct 13. Yeah, man.
Dude, him and the one
of the guys I'm gonna talk about in a moment. But yeah, he's. He's just
so cool in this. I've definitely seen Battle for the Planet
of the Apes. He's also in a deleted scene and
the alternate ending for Uninvited by Graydon Clark, if I'm not mistaken.
Oh, I think Caribbean Officer. Is that who he plays
in Uninvited? Yep. Another classic movie.
It's not Dr. Caribbean Officer. Dr. Caribbean Officer.
Dr. Poisonous Cat Man. I'll never forget.
There's movies I remember every frame of, and I feel like Uninvited
is one of those movies. I saw it on Cable as a kid, and it
just seared into my brain. It is
so I've never needed to re watch it. It's great. I mean,
Alex Cord and George Kennedy yelling at each other.
Perfect clue Gulliger with fake teeth. Okay, maybe I
need to re watch it. No. Literally everybody's yelling at each other because they're
outside of a boat and the sound's bad. They're like,
let's film on a yacht. You got sound equipment? Who needs sound
equipment? Production value.
Clark's like, I spent all this money on this puppet. Next up, we got Sherry
Belafonte, who I love. She plays
Linda Flores. The. The entire campuses,
like, promo department. Like, she's doing all
the work of, like, three departments. She's running the. The.
The radio station. She's taking pictures for the school newspaper.
She's like the hype man. I love. I love her.
She was in the midnight hour. Yep.
Yes. Where's our Blu Ray? I just
bought a Blu Ray that was upscaled to AI.
Oh. Didn't do it justice. You know what I mean? Because I have, like,
a. I have a import dvd. Okay. I have a burn DVD of the Anchor
Bay one. So let's see how this looks. So.
And then it's not great, but I was also, you know, maybe I was
a little high when I watched it on how. Like, I was like,
so you see that? Weird. AI. I was just like, what the.
It's not enough that I don't usually get that high, but I was like,
it's Halloween. Why not? It's high. A. Hello,
hyoine. I don't have. I don't have a pot joke for that.
Should have. I should have worked on that beforehand. No, I was on Crystal Method.
Oh, I'm sorry. I assume you just assume my
drug use. I just assumed it was marijuana. I'm so sorry.
So Antoinette Bauer plays Dr.
Hayworth. She's another one of the voices of reason.
She works at the hospital, and she's trying to, like, save people's freaking
lives. She is too cool, this lady.
Freaking prom night. Oh, my God.
Die, sister, die. Which I don't know if I've seen or not.
Is that a Finley? Roberta Finley? I think so. I think it
is one of the Finlays. Roberta or Michael. One of the Finlays were involved,
I think Vinegar syndrome. Put that out of the double. With Lurkers,
maybe? No, that. This is Randall Hood. I don't even know who this
is. The Lurkers. It was Lurkers.
And what is that movie? It's always paired with primeval.
Primeval Sister die. I swear I seen
that on release somewhere. Oh, it's Blood Sisters is Roberta
Finlay. Yeah, I've seen that one. Oh, yeah.
Streak show. Yeah. With the Joe Bob commentary. That helps you get through the movie.
Yeah, I don't remember the movie being great. Speaking of 82,
she's in a movie that. I think I might be one of the only people
who was like, hey, that was pretty good.
Freaking Blood Song. Oh,
I watched Blood Song and I was like, right when it was
done. I was like, I barely remember it. I was like, I had the weird
ESP killer thing. Yes. Yeah. It's not the worst.
It's not. It's not Bottom movie. I was really taken with
it. I really can't wait to watch it again. I mean, Richard Jakel. He's in
it. I love it. So I'm excited. Yeah. Abusive father of that whole movie.
He's like, listen here. He's just like. It did. It was. It didn't sit well
with him being abusive dad because I. I feel like he's so like, high energy
good. Like, hey, sport dad kind of guy that he's just.
There you go. Last person. I swear, I'm just getting carried away.
I just love this cast. Darwin Josten is a
lieutenant plumber, a detective, which is a joke because
he's not a plumber, but he was also in
freaking assault on Precinct 13 and the
fog. And wild at heart. Like, just. Oh, my God,
who's he in the fog? He is Dr.
Phibes.
I don't remember that. I'm so impressed. It's only.
I've only seen that movie 10 times. I never picked up on the Dr.
Phibes reference. Yeah, I definitely probably see that movie five or six times.
We need to watch it more. It should be a daily watch. Okay,
so we're gonna go and do some of the plot here.
I will do my best to not totally
blow this because, man, I got so into this story,
I'm a fool for stupid.
So for the credit sequence, I wrote space,
the something something. And now we're in Egypt
and where the production of this film, they spared no expense
borrowing some photos from somebody's slideshow
of Egypt. And then we have the tell
or don't show or don't. No, it's. No, it's supposed to be show, don't tell.
But they're not showing it either. So the screen's black and
we hear them talking about this earthquake.
Right? That's going to reveal this tomb Would you
like to explain what is going on here? I don't know. I just know
that it's like every other Egyptian movie I've ever seen.
Stereotypical white professor and then some guy I imagine is from
that country that's like, what's going on? It opens up just like Manhattan
baby from the same year, which isn't actually a mummy movie,
but might as well be, but I don't know what happens. And then of
course, you know they're going to go in the tomb of like the biggest mummy
of all time, right? Yep. Yeah, it's got to be his tomb.
And then they find this secret, secret compartment
with a different mummy in there. I would love to know know.
I would, I would be. I would just love to know when they finally stopped
like pillaging every single piece of sand
from that tomb. Like just going back for more.
Like. Yeah, I mean like buy like they're like selling them for a quarter.
Like, like a thing of sand. Just make
up one, just make up another.
Just, just. You don't have. It doesn't have to be king. It could be king.
We could be like, we should spell tut with a different way, with two T's.
And then boom. When I was a,
a young person, a 14 year old person, I wanted
to write a novel. So I wrote a novel and it
was going to be about a punisher like character because
I was reading the Punisher at the time, fighting a gangster family
and falling in love with the daughter. And I asked my dad,
dad, what's an Italian name I can use? He goes,
pacino. Another. Thanks. So it was called the
Pacino problem. I mean alliteration
is a good idea. Pacino not so much problem.
The Pacino maraschino. So when I finished the story,
I finished it in science class. Instead of like paying attention to, you know,
my schooling. Science. I finished. It's not real.
This is a real story. And I finished. Oh, science is fake.
Yes. I still believe that. Except for chemtrails. And then.
I'm kidding, folks, I'm kidding. I hate that stuff. I can't stand conspiracy
stuff anyway. Me either. I will
quit a group. I would like if I join like a, like a, like a
server on Discord. And they have like horror
and like classic horror and horror music
and like hey, Halloween costumes, whatever. And then they have conspiracy theory
and then like horror websites, like Wait, wait, what do you mean conspiracy theories?
And in there is this deep dive in people talking about horror.
Like not nothing to do with horror, just talking about the horrors of real life
and wasting their lives on conspiracy theories. I blocked the guy for
the believing that hurricanes are created by a machine. A couple weeks ago, I was
like, I don't know you. I don't know you're my friends list. But I.
I can't take this. Look, I'm a Floridian. Nonsense.
I'm a Floridian. I did what every Floridian does when a hurricane's coming.
You run outside and you shoot at it. It's a good idea.
Yeah. That's how you stop the machine. Milton is bulletproof.
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So I finished the story. 99 pages,
handwritten. And I threw it in the garbage in my science class.
I never tried to turn that into my big screenplay. It's technically not
a novel. It would be a novella. So you were lying to me.
When you're a child, 99 pages. A fucking lie are
bigger for a kid. 99 pages.
That's a lot for a kid. I wish I'd kept it. I wish I'd kept
any of my childhood writing because, man, it must have been really great. Oh,
I bet. Scholarship off the Pacino problem.
Parents wasted all that college. Buddy. My mom's still
waiting for me to sell out. Okay, so do,
do, do, do. You're talking about the foreshadowing of the traveler.
Oh, yeah, I did enjoy that. That was kind of cute. Before they, like,
ruined everything on the back of the box. They're like. You're like, oh. They're like.
They say the traveler and. Huh. But they shouldn't have made it less direct of
a trans. Like. Like translation. They're like. It means noble traveler.
You're like, what's so noble about this guy? He's a goddamn mummy covered in
crust. It's toxic. There's no noble about that. He doesn't say anything.
Like. I mean, he doesn't, like, bestow wisdom on anyone.
What did. Ankh. What's his name?
Ankh. Anki. Unki. Mummy.
Uncle Ankh. What has he done for me?
What has he done? Yeah. Where's my diamond
crystals? Where's my traveling diamond crystals? I feel
like I'm not profiting off of this. This archaeological adventure.
So they take this beautiful tomb. I mean,
tomb. They take the whole tomb back? No, they take just his coffin back.
His sarcophago. Sarcophagi. Well, it's sarcophago
when it's on the road. Oh. His sarcophagal
back to the California Institute of Wherever.
It was so cute. And they open it up and he
has, like, matcha powder all over him.
That was my joke about what the green stuff looks like. It's tea.
Yeah. Delicious. Yeah, yeah, you get it. Or it's spirulina powder.
You know, he's trying to stay healthy. And then they call in our pal
Pete Sharp to X ray.
Oh, this asshole. I hate this guy.
He's casually about to break this machine, bouncing it all
over the ground. The sensitive X ray equipment.
And he's blaming everybody else but himself for having problems.
He should run for office. Oh,
I'd vote for Mr. Sharp. I vote for the X ray
machine. Yes. Especially when it's set to kill.
The X ray machine has a. It has a freaking meter on it.
It's way in the red, and the needle's all the
way in the red, and he's blasting it and blasting it, and he does a
three, two, one fire. And it's really
hit this mummy with. Five, 10 times radiation. It should have.
It's really a radioactive mummy. Now, does the mummy come to life from the radioactivity
or does the fungi come to life from the radioactivity?
Yes and yes. I think it's. I think it's yes on both of those.
Watch it, you idiot. Sorry. Sorry's not gonna
help. And you break some of the machinery. Ready for the X ray,
sir. The mummy does awaken after all
this fun. But not before our pal
Sharp is going to discover these beautiful jewels hidden
in a compartment and steal them, which, oh, boy, these jewels
set off. I wrote that. He's running the jewels.
That's right. I'm hip. And when the mummy wakes
up, it turns into Iron Tut. Oh, Iron Tut Mummy.
Because he's got the glowy chest thing. Yeah, that was. That was not my
joke. That was Lietta's joke. I wanted to steal. I just know he's got a
little thing like that. He definitely looks like a superhero, but. But the funny thing
is he's got to get his diamonds back. He's got to collect his infinity
gauntlet. His infinity planchette,
we'll call it. It's beautiful. This is when the
body disappearing before the big press conference
is not great. But it's also not great that the radioactivity
has caused this powder, this spirulina matcha powder, to turn
into nasty fungus, which we immediately
are getting creeped out from because one of the kids
at this event touches it and instantly burns his finger.
Like a nightmarish body horror thing. It's like a viper from
street trash or something. And who's more upset about this
press conference going bad than our buddy
James Cameron? Tell me about this man.
Jimmy Cameron in this movie is just doing his best Murray Hamilton
impression because he's only worried about the top down
bottom dollar. And he has a bow tie, which is ridiculous.
He's basically like Murray Hamilton from Jaws meets
the guy when he's whoever he plays in Poltergeist. And he's just like. There's one
point when they realize the mummy's gone. He's like, two investors dropped out,
$500,000 down.
You're just like, he's so cheap, but he's so great.
Leah and I work at a university, and so we're just like 500,000.
Why is he upset? Was he. Are they poor?
Well, that's like 1982 money. That's like. No, that's like
a billion dollars now or something like that. Our campus
is very big, so it's like, wow, 500k. Chump change. We gotta
hear that.
Wonder what, they're camping in California too, but 1982,
I don't know anything about college money camps. It looks. It looks like a community
college to me because I get that same architectural vibe
that my community college had. So I don't know how big of. A school it
is, but they got a mummy. And on top of that, there's like two investors
there that are like this. They're like. They're like, basically I'm
donating to get some mummy action. And then like, he's like, got all this
money in there. And then the mummy follows through and he's like, that's it.
I paid for a college with a mummy. Who's the guy who drops
out because. A mummy disappeared,
so they can't afford handkerchiefs.
Because one of my favorite scenes is when the mummy's running around
in this, like, reactor. Because of course, this college campus has a
nuclear reactor. Of course the mummy is running around.
We can see through his eyes. He's got green vision. He's got green
matcha powder vision. And he's.
He's floating around. Because of course, one of my favorite details about this
is the mummy's a floater. God bless him. I thought
he had rollerblades. Who has time for walking,
right? I thought he was like the vampire in a Fright Night too. It's on
the roller skates going around campus. He's got a
skateboard on each foot. He's got two skateboards, which is
dangerous. Don't do that. But the janitor, he.
He is this whole Moment where he wipes his entire face with his handkerchief,
and I don't know why. I love that shot. That's just wonderful.
I mean, his face was wiped. Well, janitor's good at cleaning. Why not clean
his own face? It starts at home. You got to start at home.
It's got to prove. It's like. It's like a guy who does, like, you know,
most lawns for a living. If he has a bad lawn, who's gonna. Come on.
Oh, yeah. Don't advertise from your. Your. Your. Your home there.
So, like, a dentist with crooked teeth. A person who's very upset
about this fraternity prank of the people stealing
this mummy is Captain Willoughby.
Tell me about Captain Willoughby, please. He is your
stereotypical, way too old to be doing and acting like he's doing,
like, just the cop. He's like, you want me to bust him up, Chief?
And then, like, throughout the whole movie, he does nothing except say,
like, really rude remarks and accomplish absolutely nothing. And I think
he said the very end, when they actually go to the mummy and he does
nothing, he just looks like a character actor who would be like,
I was, like, the 17th build in a John Wayne movie once.
Clint Young. This is this actor's Clint Young.
He was in Switchblade Sisters, which is amazing. That's a great movie.
I haven't seen that in forever. I remember being so excited about
Quentin Tarantino when I was a young person that I had
to watch this movie he was talking about called Switchblade Sisters,
and I did not appreciate it. The first time I watched it,
I got, like, a weird import blur. I was like, that was okay. Then Arrow
put it out, and I watched it a second time. I was like, this is
fantastic. Need to revisit. But, yeah. So Captain Willoughby
trying to exert power. He doesn't actually have my favorite
moment with him. I don't know when it happens in the movie, but he and
his buddy, his other campus cop buddy are down in the basement under the
reactor, and they hear something, and they open up a cabinet full of rats,
and they scream and run away. Who's afraid of rats?
Like, I. Like, I'm not afraid of rats. Like, if I'm in
the middle of the sewer and I'm. I'm covered in rats, I might
be scared. Right? Right. Or if I see, like, a rat in my own house,
and I'm like, God damn it. But it's just a rat in, like, a cabin,
I'm like, it's a rat. I'm just gonna close the door and
go back. Either way, I don't. I'm not fearing for my life so much.
I'm just gonna see like the administrator, like, there's a bunch of rats down.
I want you to search the campus. Turn it upside
down if necessary, but find that mummy. Yes,
sir. You got it. Another one of my favorite moments.
I don't know when this happens in the movie is the comedy
news duo. So the.
The guy runs the university in Willoughby, the president of the university stooge.
I forget who that guy was, but they're watching the news. Oh, my God,
he's the worst. He's a little weaselly bastard. Dr.
Blowhard. I don't even know what his name is. But reminds me the guy
from Ghoulies too, who gets killed on the. Or Harding or whatever.
Harden for nothing. We should just done Gooey's too. We need to type.
We need to name that type of character. Weasel Bastard.
Weasel Bastards. I like that. Dr.
Blowhard. Either one interchangeable, but yeah. They're watching
the news and these two reporters are goofing using all the
puns they could think of to describe this kooky incident on the campus.
Oh, my God, I love it. I'm playing all that audio. I can't.
I can't help it. Hi, I'm Jamie Reynolds. And so am I. No,
I'm Dick Dravlin. And this is tonight's edition of Two on one.
Today here at the California Institute of the Sciences, they held a press
conference to show off their new mummy. But when they opened the coffin, guess what?
It wasn't a mummy. It was a daddy. Oh, my gosh.
No, it wasn't anything. The coffin was empty.
Empty as a tomb. I wonder how much
they paid for that thing. Whatever it was, it was too much. Jamie,
I think the Institute is in grave trouble. Oh,
Dick. Sorry. These aren't jokes anymore. These are just like.
People think a joke's not a joke, and it's not. They were completely fired
after that horrible show. I would have fired them. They're like,
we're volunteers. I'm like, well, volunteer your ass somewhere else. Get out of here.
So meanwhile, peter, our pal, Mr. Sharp, dull guy,
he's trying to do something with these crystals that he stole, not just
give them to his girlfriend. What does he got? What is his big plan?
He literally is going to sell these. He tries to pawn them off
and they're worthless because apparently they're just like some sort of glass that reflects
to make you time travel. That's. That's Worthless. Nobody needs that kind of crap
in their life. Okay, this, this timeline's worse enough
without me jumping around. So essentially he's told they're
worthless and he owes a bunch of people money. Because this guy is just legit,
legitimately, like scum or something. I don't know. Because I've called him scum.
Because he's, he's literally moving one of the most precious mummies
of all time. And he opens the bottom thing, he's like, what's this? I'm just
gonna steal it. You're going to college, man. What are you doing?
Like, so he sells these to his friends as
gifts for their girlfriends. So the mummy can go around campus collecting these
diamonds so he can turn it into somewhat of a slasher movie. Because nothing
in 80s says we need young kids. We need young kids to be
the focus. We don't want old crusty guys talking about mummies. We want some
girls in the shower getting attacked by mummies. So we're trying to switch the focus
to that. We could only see so many shots
from the mummy's perspective before we turn the movie off. So they
have to do something out in the world. Get off the
campus. Oh, I know this Peter's shop.
He's a. I call him Peter the Peeper because when he goes to give his
girlfriend one of the crystals, he's literally spying on her roommate getting
dressed. And then they get an argument. She's way out
of his league. I'm sorry. Actually, anyone is
out of this guy's league. He's just dope. I don't remember where this part happens,
but I do want to mention it because I found it very funny when the
one guy is chasing after the girl and she's like, we're done, we're through.
And then literally like a 45 year old not making fun of him. I was
like, I'm like 38. But this guy's like pulling up, he's like 45 years old
and he's like, hey, it's a two seater. It's like, like she's like
leaving with grandpa over here when she's like 20. It's just so weird.
That would be funny if he was best friends with the main doctor. Like they
both had this thing for like college students. Like,
oh yeah, just the guys from Creep Show. Fritz Weaver.
Perfect. While all this is happening, the kid who got his finger burned
is. Is his whole hand is gonna have to be amputated. This finger frickin
fungus just eats away at the bone and the
flesh and everything. It's nasty. So that's bad news
for anybody who comes in contact with the mummy who is
looking for his crystals, which have been spread around campus.
The body horror in this is pretty solid. It creeps
me out where the girl is about to get X
rayed. One of the girls who gets attacked, the beautiful mummy,
Uncle Ankh, accidentally grabs her throat when he takes
back the. The necklace that has his crystal on it and leaves this hole.
This looks like gnarly looking fungus spot on her throat.
And they go to X ray it and Dr.
Mustache discovers that if you X ray this fungus,
it turns into goop and it drastically increases in size.
Like exponentially increases in size. So there's a race against time
to call the hospital to stop this X ray doesn't
happen in time. And this poor girl turns into a
gnarly chewed up corpse after her X ray
it is. Oh, man, it's good. Love it. They tapped
into one of my horrors, which is going
to the hospital. Yeah, Nobody wants to go to the doctors. I just
shut my brain off and go in when I have to go. Oh my God,
it's time to book those colonoscopies, everybody. And I don't
mean when you turn 45, I mean daily.
Daily. You gotta have it daily. You gotta have good insurance though,
man. That adds up. Now. I was hoping for all out mayhem at
this party. We have a big frat party where everybody's. Because of
the mummy. They're having an Egyptian themed party with everybody goofing
off, dressing as mummies and trying to dress as Cleopatra.
Which leads to one of my favorite lines of the movie. One of the girls
says, as Cleopatra would say, see you later, guys.
And then she walks like an Egyptian out the freaking door.
Would Cleopatra say that, though? See you later, guys.
Of course. It's. That's in the
glyphs. It's written the moment we hinted at earlier with,
with how strong Mr. Parker supposedly is, is the mummy.
Totally backhands this guy to hell.
He has. He. He tries to give
his girl who's been stolen by the older man that you talked about. He now
has this precious gem that he's going to give to.
And the mummy just slaps him to hell. It just slaps him and
breaks every bone in his body. It's so cute. You think about it. There's not
like really kills. This is more like PG oriented movie. Like I
was watching, I was like, is this a TV movie? It's very TV vibe.
Ish. Yeah. The three kills are not very Gory
or graphic, but the body horror stuff I don't think would fly on TV.
But not in 82. Now they would. So next thing is we. Everything comes to
a head when the alien finally gets all of
his little Christmas.
Did I say alien? What? I didn't understand. Sorry.
Oh, my God. I shouldn't have read the vhs.
You ruined this movie for me. Oh,
man. That's the ultimate bazinga.
Other than the carpeted bathrooms, which I. I don't want
to talk about because that's horrible. It should. Don't. Don't carpet
your bathrooms, people. Go ahead and tell me what
happens in this. This final reveal with all of the.
When everybody meets in the. In the reactor room.
So there is apparently a reactor room, right? I think it actually is something
called, like, reactor room. It says on the door, like, reactor control room
or something stupid like that, which is. I don't think that's how it works,
but. So they're all in here. And the weasel man has accused our
good professor of hiding the mummy's body so therefore he can find
it later. And when he's ready to show it, yada, yada, yada. It's all,
of course, obscure. We know, because this mummy is walking around killing people. It's got
all its crystals and everybody's in the. In the. The radioactive
control room or whatever the hell it is. And our mummy,
it activates the thing. It basically it just does
Rats. Nights of Terror or the Reveal. And yeah,
under the mummy mask is the cheapest,
hokiest gray alien you've ever seen. That is glowing.
If you guys thought Juan Piccure Simone's movies got cheesy at the
end. You do not know. This is. This is cheese tastic.
And it's just like, I can imagine being up at 4 o'clock in the
morning, not being able to sleep, and this coming on and you're just sitting there
like this. Your brain cells
leaving your body. Oh, my God. If you've
ever heard a band called the Locust, they had Locust costumes
that they would wear. And that's what it reminded me of. You should. You should
look up and listen to the Locust. Some of their live shows with their.
Their Locust costumes on. That's pretty sweet. So, yeah, the professor,
he tries to stop Willoughby from shooting.
Oh, this shooting. This freaking alien, he gets shot
in the arm. And then he's. He's acting like he's dying,
laying on the ground, reaching up to the alien, like, begging for help or whatever
he's doing. And the Alien holds his hand. And here's
where the movie blows my mind, because they disappear
together because, you know, this alien's got to go back to his home world.
And we get a big to be continued. We get the setup
for the sequel we never got, the TV series.
We never got. I love it. But wouldn't it
have been better if the alien just healed him
and then he peaced out? No. And then they. A little bit of dialogue about,
whoa, wasn't that mystical? And then credits.
No, because then Spielberg would sue him because this is essentially just E.T.
It'S true. It's true. It's mummy, E.T. he wants to get back to his
home. If he would have healed him, Spielberg would have been all over that like
flies on. He's like, you got my James Cameron from Poltergeist that I
produced, and now he got my healing alien from E.
T. So, yeah, in the trivia, like, this literally was supposed to be a
TV movie. This was a TV movie with the
hopes of becoming a series. The other trivia, which I love, I got from the
interview on the disc was the producer said that the
movie was much longer, and Roger Corman said,
oh, no, no, no, you need. I need to get this on however many
reels for distribution to make it cheaper. So you got to cut it.
So they cut it down from like 100 minutes to 85, or however
long it is now. And supposedly the Japanese
laserdisc VHS market wanted the longer movie, so they
had to recut it again just for the Japanese market to get it back up
to 100 minutes. I never even heard of the 100 minute version.
Neither have I. I would have tracked it down and watched it. Maybe it makes
more sense. There's no way it survived. I mean, it's possible.
I, you know, I've watched several movies. Exactly how many movies have you watched
in your lifetime with fricking Japanese subtitles in the box?
A lot. A lot. So sometimes they're not even from Japan.
You're just like, what is going on? You're like, this is actually a Hong Kong
movie shot in Taiwan made for the Japanese market,
but it's got Korean subtitles. You're like, I don't know what's happening.
There's a little. A little giallo called Something Creeping in
the Dark, which I have watched. It's a,
you know, an Italian film dubbed in English with Japanese subtitles at
the bottom. It's just the. The things we
do to watch all this obscure crap. I love it. Like God intended,
though. The most shocking Thing. I hope you're sitting down for
this one, Dave. I am. You want me to stand up and then sit down?
This movie was shot with a non union crew,
Sons of Holy. Looks so
professional though. I would have never believed that.
No way, dude. It's weird because it's distributed by Corman,
right? But the producer was the Montaro, the film Ventures International.
And Montaro was the guy who basically like in 1984,
ripped off his company and stole a bunch of money and dipped and he produced
all the William Gertler movies. So like, some people think Montaro is
dead. You've heard that story, right? Yeah, yeah. They never found. I think he produced
this movie. Movie. I think he was involved with it. Film International. Match Film Ventures
International. So we got Corbin and Montaro on here.
That's amazing. Weird, right?
Oh my God. So. So how do you feel about this movie?
Tell me. Tell me your true thoughts. It's kind of dull and the
pacing's off. I like James Karen though. He's one of my favorite actors.
Oh, he's great. I just think it's really hard to make a good mummy movie.
It really, really hard. I think Mummy's best pop up in a movie as
a part that are great, but a movie solely focused on mummies.
It's really hard to do a good one. Right?
I absolutely love Time Walker.
This is. See what I write in my notes here. My pages
have been shuffling this entire episode, folks. I'm sorry.
I love the kooky characters.
Everyone is just strange and has some like odd
motivation. The tone is really weird because it's like a 50s movie
with all the trappings, but of course it's in an 80s package.
It's the slasher formula turned upside down. I love.
And if you like pseudoscience and rando
instruments just. Just like making kooky ass
sounds, you're gonna love this one because, man, this movie's mostly that.
Thank you. Richard Band. Oh yeah, that's right.
Did this. He did the music score. I love. I love it.
I live for this. I. Yeah, I first saw this back
in 2021,
I think. And that. I just love it so much. It's just.
Wow. Wow. I feel different if I saw it when
I was young, you know what I mean? Like, I had that affinity for it,
like. But I remember. I remember seeing the COVID I don't know know if the
video store ever had this one or maybe it was somewhere else. I just don't.
It never stood out. And Time Walker, you're like, what the Is that because it's
a mummy on the case? So you don't think it's going to be like any
horror, Maybe like a cheesy. And then you see PG Sci Fi Top time
Walker. You're like, it's going to be something serious, like something.
When I see that cover I think of Starman or something.
Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't have even imagined it was like horror either.
That's good. I always ask whoever I'm talking to on
these here showios to tell me about a recently
seen and loved film. It can be an old favorite
or a first time watch that you just loved recently. What you got?
I watched a lot of movies, you know that last week I watched 19
movies. Wow, nice.
Numbered four of them. So here we go.
There's a lot I could do a brand new movie that just came out that
I liked or I could just do something. I'll just do one that I had
watched in at least 10, 15 years and the new 4K
got released. So I popped it in. Trick or treat 1986.
Re watching it Charles Martin Smith and it was
really enjoyable. And like it's funny because I love this As a kid I
liked it more now I think I just, it's just a lot of fun.
And make sure you watch after the credits. For all those years watching
that I never watched after the credits because there's a little like stinger at the
very end. It's like half a second but it's still funny. So worth it.
Interesting rock and roll horror movies.
Blast. Oh yeah, yeah. I saw that for the first time
like five years ago. I did not see Trick or Treat as a kid.
I just mixed it up with a lot of other, you know,
heavy metal horror movies which I've seen a lot of now. I love that I
need to get that Blu ray because that I remember how quickly they sold out
of that because they kind of underestimated how bad people
were waiting on that one. Yeah, it's. It's one of the top like four or
five that you always hear about. Like we do trigger treat. We need Trick or
treat, dude. There's probably a couple I'd like to see. Nightlife, to be honest.
1989 zombie movie. Like that's the thing. I'm like why,
why isn't that one? It's one I watched a couple times growing up and always
I have a sealed vhs refused to open.
I wrote about that for my friend's blog.
I absolutely adore that film. I saw it on cable,
caught the end of it and was totally amazed. Didn't know what it was
called for years until I found it by accident because I kept seeing
the actor, the kid that's in it, the redhead, Grimes. And I
finally, you know, did the IMDb thing and tracked it down and man,
it's so good. That one like midnight hour,
that midnight hour I would kill for. Oh man,
where is, where is that stuff? There's, there's always great movies out on
Blu Ray or for people forget and the Hong Kong market and stuff
like that. When you look at that, there's tons and tons of them. My favorite
is when everybody has the same download. Like Abby,
the, the, the Black Exorcist ripoff where
everyone has the same like freaking. What do
you call it? Tracking lines or whatever. Oh,
elves. Elves. Else is a lot of fun too. Elves is really
good, that movie. I always make the joke that that movie
has so much smoking in it it will give you cancer. You get second hand
smoke cancer from elves. Everybody's just Dan Haggard. He's like.
I love, I love him. He's great. So I
watched an actual movie that came out this year.
What like the night before last called
Thelma from 2024.
It is a kooky little comedy with
action movie vibes. It's. It's about a
90ish year old lady whose grandson calls
her from the hospital. He's been. He's in
big Trouble. He needs $10,000 cash mailed
to this specific address to get him out of jail.
And she does this. And we immediately discover of course
that it was a scam. It was not her grandson.
And so the, the rest of the movie is her trying to get her $10,000
back. And it is just awesome. Just a
great movie. It's really fun. I'm not saying anything. Let's just say
action movie tropes are there, but not
the way you think they are. It's. It's not,
you know, octogenarian John Wick or anything,
but dude, Thelma's fun. It's just a sweet movie you
could watch with your folks. Yeah, it sounds good.
Yeah. Tell people, the people, all of
them, how to find you on the
YouTube system. The YouTube entertainment system. Well,
first you got to go in this club where.
Look for the Tapeworm. Look for the task for the Tapeworm.
No, I just go on YouTube, Mr.
Parker. No spaces or anything like that. M R P A,
R K A. It's also all the podcast places,
the videos are on the podcast formats as well. So yeah, just,
just, just find Me on there, I review anything and everything.
Mostly horror, cult films, but I like everything. So,
yeah, check me out there, folks. This. This is a person committed
to physical media. When you see the VHS wall,
you will. You will understand immediately. It's. And it's just the
way you talk about stuff is. Is just
really super engaging. Like, I just. I.
You know, you're speaking our language
when it comes to film collectors and stuff like that. And it's just like,
I was. I was always really taken with, like, I felt like I was coming
in the middle of something and I was like, oh, I gotta start backtracking because,
like, I feel like just 82
alone. You know, it's gonna keep you busy.
Like, how do you have any idea how far you are with 82?
134. Oh, my God. And I got,
like 15 to 20 more of these big videos to do, and I got guests
lined up for all of them, which is gonna be a problem. Awesome,
awesome problem. Yeah. You know what I mean? But, like, you get burnout.
Like, I did watch a lot of the big ones right away. So now,
like, I'm. I got like, five, six Nakatsu erotic films,
horror movies to watch and stuff like that. Those are short, but they're not
exactly the. Sometimes it's not easy to watch that kind of stuff.
Or like, you. You got AI subtitles on some Brazilian horror film
and you're like, like, oh, I hope this makes sense. Yeah, that's. That's one
of my favorite things is downloading a bootleg. Not that
I would ever do that, but you're. You're watching those subtitles and you're like,
do I need to get like, a. A doctor in here to check me out?
Because I. I think I know what they're saying, but that
was one of the things. When I was doing Giallo Meltdown 2, I had a
whole folder of movies I downloaded off of
YouTube to cover, and all I had was those subtitles.
The. The automatically generated subtitles. I ended up
watching none of them. I cut them all. I was like, no, no, this doesn't
need to be in the book. I'm gonna start. I'm out of frustration. I'll just
try to learn the language, which will take me the rest of my life.
It gets rough. Like, I watched what is it for 81. I watched
this movie, like, Yarchish or something, the Evil One, which was
a Thailand movie. And I wanted to see it because I seen it on the
bootleg circuits for a while, and I was like, I only seen like one,
maybe two Thailand horror movies and was like 222 from 81. So I
was like, I'm gonna watch this thing. And it's long and it was really
weird. And there's always a lot of comedy that doesn't really mesh well in
those movies. A lot of the Asian countries. So I'm just like, I watched it.
The subtitles were AI generated, but I got the gist of it. But there's
a lot of folklore and weird. But I was like, I'm glad I watched it
because there was one scene in that movie where I just like my jaw hit
the ground where it's like literally like. Like they throw like a.
The lady gives birth and all the women that are in this hole with her
like, rip the baby to pieces and eat it. And I was like, like.
But it's not like super graphic or like. Or they rip all
the women's eyes out at one point I'm like. But at like points there's like
people shrinking and growing and like, like goofy humor and you're
like, weird as man. Wow.
Recommend it. Hey, not really, but it
kind of is. I'm not saying don't watch it. Say watch
at your own risk. Nice. Appreciate you having
me on the show though too. I'm. I'm glad you had time to head on
over to the Doom show. You're always a pleasure to see your face.
Even though this will be audio. You saw my face, though.
They know that you saw my face and they can hear your enjoyment in your
voice about my face. Smiling with my eyes and
my mouth this time. The Tapeworm.
How about his name's not even the Tapeworm and I just it up. That's always
a. You idiot. He's just call him TP from madman.
Which one's T? Oh, that guy. Right? Yeah, yeah, the.
The hot tub guy. Does he get hung? Doesn't he get hanged?
He gets hung. It. Hung it. Bye, folks.
Bye. It's over.
Folks. Thanks so much for listening to this episode.
If you'd like to write into the show, send an email to DoomedMoviethonmail
or hit us upon Doomedmoviethon on Instagram or Doommedmoviethon
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Or go to hello, this is the Doomed show on Facebook and message
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Go to DoomedMovietHon.com and click the podcast
button for the archive. Or go to YouTube and look up Doomed
Moviethon and you'll find the classic episodes
of hello, this Is the Doomed Show. And if that's still not enough,
I've written some books, you know, about my love of movies
over on Amazon Dot. Just look up Richard Glenn
Schmidt and you'll find Giallo A Moviethon Diary,
Giallo Meltdown 2 Cinema Somnambulist
or Doomed Moviethon. The book hello, this Is
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