In the rich tradition of Italian movies that don’t make much sense comes our Crucified review, aka Everybloody’s End.
As the movie first presents itself, it’s a post-apocalyptic tale featuring a scrappy group of survivors doing their best to evade some militaristic goons called Exterminators. These masked assailants are in search of any “infected.” This reveals one of the biggest issues with the film. That description I’ve given you is all the plot the viewer gets for about the first forty-five minutes of this seventy-minute movie.
What do we do if we’re not advancing the plot? Mostly wander around the blasted landscape, which is a blend of a warehouse district in some Italian suburb and some CGI that, at its best, looks like good model work. The wandering continues inside the warehouses for some variation, but it’s very challenging to keep attention on this movie when so little is happening.
At least until the conclusion. Slight spoilers here, but this simply must be said. The final twenty minutes of this movie reaches a cult movie level of absurdity. The shift in tone comes so quick and so sudden, it is neck-cracking in its effect. It is utter nonsense and breaks every rule of narrative storytelling. Where I was bored with so much of the movie, this conclusion is so bonkers, I watched with my mouth agape in stunned silence as the final moments played out.
This is not to say I recommend Crucified, but I also don’t expect to forget the movie anytime soon. It’s a slight recommendation for those, like myself, who enjoy bad movies as an art form of their own. It will wear on your patience, but the nutty rewards are there for intrepid souls.
If notably bad movies aren’t your bag, this isn’t much reward for your valuable time. The plot is confusing, even when it is delightfully absurd, and the performances don’t support already-weak material. The flat lighting and attention-seeking camera work make this effort feel like a student film rather than the Italian throwback gorefest some of the advertising suggests. A little more Fulci would have gone a long way to make Crucified a more fun, if not necessarily good, viewing experience.
For its whacked-out ending alone, Crucifed nets two stars out of five. But seriously, get in touch if you’ve seen it. We have things to discuss.
Crucified is available March 9, 2021 on all digital platforms.
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